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Meghan – Throughout the time of us trying to have a baby and going through these losses and figuring trying to figure out what was going on and everything, we live in an age of social media too where you know people are posting announcements and so they should be they should be excited, babies are miracles, but when you’re kind of in the trenches of things, you just are kind of left feeling defeated and why me and will we ever get there so it’s it’s a struggle.

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Nicky – What’s up CorrNation! Welcome to another episode of Coin for Thought. Today we have Meghan on the show and Meghan’s gonna be talking about something that seems to be really prevalent in our society right now which is the whole process of infertility and having a baby and going through the struggles of having a baby so thank you so much for coming on the show Meghan and sharing your story yeah thanks for having me yeah nice to be here yeah so I feel like in infertility or trying to have a baby and not having it kind of come on the first go uh is something that is or something that we’re hearing about more and more lately uh and I don’t know if it’s the stress that women are going through or what they’re doing or something in the air or something in the water or something in the diet or you know something genetic and it’s something that seems you know doctors seem to not be able to tell us why this is something that happens so easily for some women and doesn’t happen for other women um people are also getting married a lot later so that could be a factor but you know I really wanted to chat about your story and have you share your story because your story is a success story and it’s so um it’s so important to be able to not just look at the successful part but really the journey of how you came to where you are now and really talk through the the ups and downs because the process in itself really damages a lot of relationships and there’s a lot of relationships right now that are on the brink or you know people getting divorced uh because this is a challenge that they just can’t overcome together so so tell me about you know the first time you and your husband decided that you guys were gonna have a gravy and let’s start from there yeah for sure so you’re completely right it’s something that I feel like people are more openly talking about now which is amazing there’s more resources out there for women and couples going through this so like you said I don’t know if it’s a matter of age and genetics and stress and work and a mix of you know people are just being more open about it which for couples that are struggling to have a baby or people that are struggling to have a baby it makes it a bit more of a you don’t feel as alone as I can imagine people did in the past because there are the resources but um yeah my husband and I we got we’ve been together we were high school sweethearts so um we got together when I think I was 16 he was 19. so um kind of been through all life stages together and then three years ago we got married and um when we got married we said okay we just want to take the year to ourselves um and it just kind of soak up you know we had a couple trips planned and I’d started a new job and everything so we just really want to take the year to soak up um just being married and newlywed life and then a year later we said okay you know let’s let’s start trying to have a family and um you know three months went by and we got the positive test which was so exciting because actually my gran had just passed away so it was really happy news and a really sad time and um yeah so totally no thought about it anything and you know three months and we got pregnant and then we miscarried at seven weeks shortly after that so that was kind of our first experience we got pregnant pretty quickly and then we misteried pretty quickly what was the miscarriage process like uh how did you know that you were miscarrying you know for people that don’t I you know you hear about all these stories about what it’s like to miss gary but what was that experience for you it’s so funny because now I look back and how naive I was going into it because um actually I was at work and I had some spotting and it’s very common for pregnant women in the first couple weeks to have what’s called implantation bleeding so you know you kind of try to calm yourself down you’re like this is what it is and that kind of started earlier on in the week and then it kept going and so I called my doctor and she brought me in and she said you know I’m confident it’s implantation bleeding so we’ll just have to see how it goes and then my mom my sister and I were actually shopping and I started to have really bad cramps while shopping and then in your head you’re just trying to like calm yourself down you’re like it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine and then I actually got back to my sister’s house and fully went into the miscarriage process so that’s the other thing too that I’ve learned throughout this whole two and a half years of going through this is there are so many different types of miscarriages so you have your first trimester miscarriages which happen kind of earlier on by themselves you have you know missed miscarriages you have ectopic pregnancies you you have so many different kinds of losses um so that was just the first miscarriage was kind of your typical common miscarriage where you’re earlier on in your pregnancy and you know something isn’t right chromosomally or um you know something might be off with you or you know there’s so many reasons why but after that miscarriage it was just one of the typical miscarriages and we just held on to the fact that one in four couples lose their baby and um and so then we just tried to kind of soldier forward after processing that so you kind of just chalked it off to like an anomaly a really bad situation and you kept trying and tried to get back on the horse and was like no this is crappy this never should have happened to me but it did and uh let’s keep trying again and let’s try our baby so so you’re you’re soldiering through and then so we had we found out we were pregnant october we miscarried in november and um and then it’s so funny once you get it’s different for everybody but once you get into for us the trying stage of it it was just like okay pick ourselves that we just want this more than anything and continue forward so then you know the process of that miscarriage was pretty easy in terms of we didn’t need any intervention we didn’t need any medication so um next cycle we started trying again and we got pregnant right away so then in our minds you know it’s okay we were able to get pregnant this is one’s gonna be different you know we’re gonna be okay and that pregnancy was going really well um no issues at all and um we had gone on a trip and you know it was everything was looking good and it was I was about 10 weeks in and same thing I’m sitting in a meeting I start to have lower back pain no bleeding no anything and um just coming off a miscarriage you’re automatically easily triggered with it and so I called my doctor right away she said okay come in we’ll get you in for an ultrasound got us in for an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat so that is what’s called a missed carriage so yes I was 10 weeks pregnant but the fetus was the size of an eight week old baby so my body just hadn’t recognized that there had been women are given kind of three options um one is to let it process on its own two is medication to expedite the process and three is a dnc so just a procedure that kind of gets everything out and we decided that we just wanted this to be over so then I went in for a dmc that night okay so that was the second one how did the second one make you feel that one honestly was probably the hardest on us um we thought that like I was kind of saying you know we had gotten past the first one crappy luck whatever and then we moved we got pregnant right away and my girl one of my best friends was actually pregnant at the same time and we were due 10 days apart and it was really exciting and you know we made it to 10 weeks and no issues at all so we were really blindsided by that did you feel like people in your in your age group or your friend circle or whatever the case is your community did you feel like they there was uh were they sharing the same issues as you or did you feel like everybody was getting pregnant super easily and you know why it’s not happening to me kind of thing and I feel like sometimes when you don’t have like someone to really talk to talk to it’s just yeah it’s so alone like it’s such a lonely process um especially watching them um celebrate different stages of a successful yeah you know and you’re just so stressed so that it’s it’s difficult honestly and um you know you never want somebody to understand what you’re going through when you’re going through something like that but it is hard because it’s hard to find a balance of being excited for people but also being really sad for yourself and your partner um so that’s the thing is throughout the time of us trying to have a baby and going through these losses and figuring trying to figure out what was going on and everything we live in an age of social media too where you know people are posting announcements and so they should be they should be excited babies are miracles but when you’re kind of in the trenches of things you just are kind of left feeling defeated and why me and will we ever get there so it’s it’s a struggle and through it all I just I tried to keep the mindset of them having babies and being excited for it they deserve that and you don’t know what that person’s been through either um and you know it’s exciting for them yeah yeah it’s exciting for them but sad for us but when you’re that’s kind of okay for the first bit but then when you’re two years in it’s you feel a little bit beaten down for sure yeah yeah so how many how many um miscarriage miscarriages did you actually have four four four in four losses in a year wow yep when did you then decide to uh seek actual fertility help yeah so typically in Canada your doctor won’t actually send you for investigative testing until after three um three losses so which is why that why is that because basically it’s common until that point after three you’re considered to be a habitual miscarrier which is all these labels are so awful but basically they say it’s not a pattern until after three so that is kind of the health care standpoint I wasn’t having that um and I’m a huge person for being an advocate for yourself so after the second one um the ob that was on call who’s still our ob today he’s amazing and I said to him I said okay what do we do from here like I am 29 years old at the time or 28 years old at the time I’ve now had two miscarriages I’m healthy like something’s up here and he said well typically he kind of gives me the whole spiel typically we don’t send a woman to a fertility clinic or couples to fertility clinics until after three but I hear you I’ll put the referral in for you so he actually um understood where we were coming from and he did put the referral in for us right away which was awesome because clinics in Ontario are also between depending on where you’re going can be up to six or nine months wait times oh so I didn’t realize that because you know this is it goes from then public to then private and if you’re essentially getting private help there’s not a lot of people that can afford private help to begin with right so I almost feel like they there should be availability because the cost of actually going through the whole process is is it can be like a down payment on a home yes it can be so no it’s crazy and there’s that’s the thing is there are lots of clinics but you want to make sure that you’re going to somewhere reputable through this process I have heard of about two or three women where the clinic has actually been a detriment to their fertility journey so that’s the thing is you know yes there might be some that can get you in earlier but rob kind of gave us two options one in Toronto one in waterloo um and we went with the waterloo one um just because I was working in waterloo at the time so it made it a bit easier so and they were amazing but they got me in in four months yeah so I had my initial review with the clinic in four months so um yeah when women are going through losses typically what will happen is they won’t a doctor won’t refer them to a fertility clinic until three losses so I just pushed to have one put in sooner and I also sought out um a clinic or an office sorry that was pre and postnatal specific that they had cairo osteo nutritionist so then I went to their actual nutritionist to get a panel done and there were some red flags right in my initial panel to why there could have been complications so that’s one thing that I’m a huge advocate for now is anybody who kind of tells me that okay we’re thinking of starting a family I stay get a blood panel done just ask your doctor for it you know it will tell you if you’re deficient in certain things that could you know sometimes it’s just little tweaks that need to be made what did you find for you was an issue for you that came back in your blood panel that you were like whoa I I didn’t know that this was you know a flag and now it is yeah so there were in my initial blood panel there were three main things that were off the biggest one being progesterone and progesterone has been found to be a huge cause of losses because progesterone is what actually helps um with implantation so if you don’t have a significant rise in progesterone then the embryo can’t actually implant into the uterus so my progesterone was low my I was vitamin d deficient and I had deficiency in b12 so all of those things together those were kind of the initial findings and you know I kind of looked back and if I had known that I had low progesterone that’s something that’s so easily fixable you know that’s something that I’ll just have to live with for the rest of my life is what if right so that’s why I kind of say just get the blood panel done and you know just make sure that everything is kind of where it should be um if you’re thinking about starting to try for a family what was that first meeting like you know your initial consultation because even though you want to have a baby like there’s a huge this this huge looming um issue of cost because it is so expensive and the problem is that you know it’s it’s kind of it’s almost tiered in this weird way because you go through the first process there’s a cost of that there’s the cos there’s extras that you have to sort of pay for if things don’t work then there’s further costs that you have to um sort of incur um what was your first consultation like discussing the process and the cost of things yeah so at the point where we first sought out advice was with the naturopath and you know she said the panel is going to be about 450 and it’s not an amount of money to blink at you know it’s 450 that isn’t covered by insurance because it’s not considered to be essential testing right it’s it’s elective so um that was kind of the first build that we had where we were like okay it’s 450 but let’s just do it let’s just figure it out because when I found when we got into this situation you’re almost looking for there to be something wrong so that you can say okay this is what it was it wasn’t that you know there’s something totally wrong with me or it wasn’t something I ate or it wasn’t a workout I did or anything like that um we just wanted to see if there was any sort of red flags that we could chalk the losses up to so that was our first consultation and honestly we’ve had such amazing support when it comes from obs and our gp and naturopaths and cairo and all these different other paramedical services but the so the empathy is there but that was when I looked back at it that was kind of our first bill was okay that just initial blood panel which was 450 bucks and like that’s not cheap yeah for just a blood panel that could easily come back and said no no everything’s fine yeah I feel like it’s very common people to kind of look at that they want to see a problem because then if there’s a problem there they can fix it but you know if things are okay it’s harder to swallow because then you’re like you’re still in that uh weird stage where you’re like okay if everything is okay and they’re not finding anything why is this happening to me why am I not normal normal yes yes exactly yeah so you’re almost looking for an issue so the whole process now for you specifically um how much did it cost for you and your family and and how did you work on budgeting uh cost because it’s it’s you know it’s essentially after tax money that you’re paying um you know it’s it’s things that are it’s kind of like I guess emergency because they come up and you have to make decisions so quickly and you’re like oh my god now I have to go into this process I need these drugs and this is what it is so it’s completely unexpected uh what you have to pay yeah and all of it is just so expensive um and how did you kind of work through budgeting for the expenses you had and what what were the expenses that you sort of uh you personally dealt with yeah and it’s so tough because once you’re in it you’ll do anything right so you’re just like you kind of get to a point where you’re not even batting an eye at what you’re paying for so and there’s so many other unexpected costs to it right so you know we had our first two losses and then we started seeking out some help and everything and then we got in at the clinic and we experienced two more losses and some more investigative testing and um you know along with the fertility costs of investigative testing and procedures and everything like that we also wanted to make sure that we were taking care of our well-being and kind of our health as well right like I was being poked and prodded every day and it’s cost like okay if I’m driving from where we live in Guelph to waterloo every day that’s two tanks of gas a week and then parking and then you know it’s early morning so you’re getting breakfast on the way and then you want to make sure that mentally you’re taking care of yourself so then you’re seeking out therapy and then you’re seeking out supplements and it’s just it adds up and it’s not necessary huge shock for me and I think what kind of really impacted us financially was those additional costs of okay we’ll massage acupuncture and chiropractor and nutritionists and therapists and and appointments and it’s it’s we didn’t have a budget when we first started because you’re just taking it out of yeah how could you yeah you honestly can’t um yeah we couldn’t and it was honestly just I feel like we were flying by the seat of our pants and it wasn’t until we did two iuis this past February and march so iuI is intrauterine insemination so it’s basically a tracked medicated cycle and it’s usually a step before IVF so it wasn’t until then because each procedure with the medications and everything is between three and four thousand dollars that we had to take a really hard look at where’s this money gonna coming from yeah so luckily my husband is a saver so we did have savings but we you know it our savings were rebuilding from that which is really hard so and a lot of couples you know they’re remortgaging their homes or they’re taking out lineups of credit or they’re loaning money from their parents because you can’t really budget for it and once you get in it you just want it more than anything I so I went to this um I went to this my husband and I really wanted to adopt and this was after our twins and I didn’t want to have another pregnancy because it was just very my initial pregnancy was very very hard on my body but okay so we went to this meeting um where they’re educating people on adoption and we walked into the room and obviously we already have two kids at home and we walked into a room with maybe about 15 couples who were completely broken they had spent nearly all their life savings uh you know on going through the the regular trying process that’s natural um in your bedroom and then moving through the medical process which can be very very automated and even a friend of mine was telling me she was exhausted it took the romance out of 100 together um and that was something that was very unexpected because the joys of actually the fun part of having a baby and being together and connecting um in like a positive the excitement is is is just ripped away and it becomes very mechanical you know have sex at this time you’re ovulating at this time oh can you help me put my drugs in or you know help me put my needles in or whatever old process and but we walked into that room and it was like 15 couples of really broken couples who were in that position and they saw essentially they were there because they had kind of you know gone through all the other options this was their this was their final shot yeah this was your last shot to be able to be a mom and a dad and being there was so heartbreaking for me and I didn’t want to say I didn’t want to say that we had twins and everybody had to introduce themselves and all of their stories were the exact same that they were trying for many many years that went through fertility treatments and they were just holding each other crying telling their stories of this stories and then they were there so you know what made you do because there’s a lot of people who when they have things very very easily and they hear about women going through this process and it’s it’s a torturous process you feel like a guinea pig you you feel like in almost do you feel like you’re prodded and you’re pumped you feel like a lab rat literally you’re just being poached and prodded and it’s it’s insane you literally feel like a lab rat I remember like the one week we had been through so many tests and my arms were just bruised from blood work and I’m like but yes it’s it’s demoralizing it really is so what made you choose to go through that process put your um body through that process what made you come together as a couple and decide like oh my gosh this is what I’m going to do um you know versus say for example just signing up for an adoption process and yeah paying as much money or maybe less money to be able to either go international or private or whatever the case is or even through the system uh get a child for free yeah and honestly those are some of the biggest decisions a couple has to make and what was really hard for us and I think one of my one of my regrets through this whole process is when my husband and I got married um we had the conversation you know we had we went through kind of like a marriage questionnaire therapy session that were just the hard questions of life like what happens if we lose our job how do we support each other through financial strain what happens if our child has a disability what happens if we can’t have kids like all of these decisions are so huge to make as a couple and when my husband and I were getting married we had the conversation of you know we love each other and we’re happy the two of us so yeah we want kids but if we can’t have them on our own then we’re good with it just being the two of us and then fast forward a year later of being married and we’re starting to have a family trying to start a family and it’s not happening and it’s not working and it was almost like I flipped a switch but my husband hadn’t had the chance to catch up with me yet so I almost made the decision for us before actually making sure that he was comfortable and he was okay so I would say that was one of my huge regrets about the whole thing is because it’s happening to you right or you feel like it’s happening to you where I’m the one that’s going through the pregnancies and the miscarriages and the testing because typically men don’t get tested until later on and we didn’t have a problem getting pregnant so why would he need to be tested right so um and they’re that is easier too they’re testing everything that they go through is like nothing they have the easiest job honestly so anyways I would say to get to that decision um so we had said when we were first getting married like no IVF no adoption no surrogacy this is either to happen or it’s not and then we get into it and it’s you know we’re running into issues and finally we kind of caught up on okay what are our options here and our whole thing and this is not the case for many couples is we didn’t have a problem getting pregnant whereas so many times it’s the issue of getting pregnant so I can’t even imagine that frustration of not even getting there right so we just knew we could get pregnant so that was the hard part for many couples they can’t even get pregnant so we just kind of kept trekking through that path and then we did have a couple friends reach out about surrogacy and just saying you know if you’re interested in going down that route I’m here for you I would be willing to carry for you and when I got pregnant this time which is our fifth pregnancy and it’s going well I am I said to dan my husband I said honestly if this doesn’t go well I don’t know if I can take another loss I was like I just I don’t know if I can put my body through this again so we just you know we were of the mindset that surrogacy and adoption for now were off the table for us and it’s so expensive it’s so expensive yeah and it’s a weight too right like especially with adoption you could be on that waiting list for years and years and years and surrogacy a lot of women won’t even find a surrogate so we just kind of held on to that we can get pregnant we’re young and we just like hopefully we can make a couple tweaks and everything will be okay you know it’s there’s no um a lot of times when you’re going through uh something that’s so difficult there is a lot of judgment there’s a lot of judgment like why aren’t you doing this or have you done this and people ask the stupidest questions that are so so so hurtful and um you know like I remember being in a group setting with a woman that I knew who was really struggling to get pregnant and somebody else was just going off about how now women don’t eat as much vegetables and how um you know stuff like that where you know yeah just stupid comments yeah stupid comments and the ignorance and the truth is like even though you’re speaking to doctors all the time sometimes you don’t even know why um why you’re not getting pregnant even after so much testing so to be able to turn around and you know in a conversation just say things like oh go on vacation and it will happen yes or like get drunk and you know have a good time or like just relax and stop thinking about it or you know maybe you you should explore some more effective sexual positions or you know things like that you know um so honestly yeah and you know what we actually we have an amazing support circle but like I was saying before it’s impossible to know what it feels like until you’re there and I had you know a person in my life and she said you know she’s very spiritual which I can appreciate she said reproduction is directly linked to the energy in your body and control issues and reproduction is directly related to control and you know ocd compulsions and everything and I was like thanks that’s the least helpful thing basically you’re telling me that I’m miscarrying because I have control issues but if I let those go everything will be fine and it’s yeah people I have I would say 90 of our group around us our family and friends are so supportive but of course there’s gonna be the comments of oh at least you can get pregnant you know that’s the easy part at least you can’t get pregnant that was the frustrating one for us what good is it you know like at the end of the day you want to have a baby so it’s really frustrating when even when you can get pregnant like you don’t know what your body is doing to not essentially keep the pregnancy or what’s going on so I I just hate commentary like that it’s so it’s uh even from people that I guess love us it it can be really damaging it can be really insensitive and yeah it’s it’s hurtful because you’re already beating yourself up over it when you shouldn’t and then you go out into the world uh these little comments just feed into your own personal trauma that you’re kind of going through you know um how did you find therapy and how were you how did you and dan deal with this situation as individuals versus as a couple yeah so we had our first loss in November and I sought out therapy after our fourth loss the following fall and I think because again we were just in the trenches of trying to figure out what was going on to soldier through and to just make it happen and then come that September we had just had our fourth loss and we were taking a break because we were gonna do some more investigative testing at the clinic and I said okay well I feel like I’m defeated at this point I feel like I’m numb I feel like dan and I are on the same page anymore you know we were kind of we were not dealing with it the same he dan is I always say he’s an annoyingly positive person which is amazing but sometimes you just need to feel what you need to feel if I want to feel sad if I want to feel frustrated I won’t feel angry then just let me feel how I need to feel whereas he is you know always the positive light in the conversation which is amazing but then me I’m more emotional and I need to talk and process and just deal with it so I one felt so defeated on my own and second of all I felt like dan and I weren’t on the same page anymore I feel like I wasn’t healing I feel like he was getting frustrated we were on you know we were financially strained at that point because we had put in so much money into testing so we sought out therapy which honestly was such a game changer because I had gotten to the point where there had been so much that had happened I didn’t even know where to start with processing the past year and I also needed dan to understand how I was processing things and vice versa so I did a bunch of sessions myself to try to like at least get me started and then he came in for a few sessions so that we could both understand each other better on how we were processing things because that’s the thing no matter if it’s fertility job loss family troubles financial troubles is everybody processes it differently right so the one thing that I feel like the two of us learn from that is there’s no right or wrong way to process it but you have to respect how the other person processes so for him that was just letting me feel what I needed to feel and for him that was giving him the space to actually process things so although talk about it as much or communicate it as much or like it didn’t look like it was hitting him it really was and like I was saying before too when we kind of went from zero to a hundred with fertility issues he hadn’t caught up yet so that was one thing where you know I can’t just go and make decisions for us because it’s me it’s happening to you in my view um I have to communicate and give him time to think about it so therapy for us was almost learning about how each other deals with tough times and processes it what was it like him watching through you going through this process and suffering through it and dealing with like because a lot of these a lot of the drugs are you know all of the stuff that they’re putting in your body yeah it makes you sick right um it has negative effects on your health on on a daily basis and you still have to go to work because work because work is going to give you pay which is definitely a baby um so how how was that for him watching you essentially go through this like very very torturous process and while still having to live a normal life yeah he honestly I feel like any partner just feels very helpless for him he felt out of control he felt helpless he felt like he hated seeing me go through it and the other thing is too is I’ve always wanted to be a mom and I feel like I have a very natural maternal instinct I love kids I love babies you know I’m the first person that goes to a party I’m like can I hold your baby and I’ll communicate mean and he’s just like for him he’s like there’s no one who deserves to be a mom more than you and I hate seeing that this is so tough on you he just hated me going through it so I feel like there’s a whole bunch of feelings where that your partner has to go through all of this but then there’s the stress part of it where it’s like is this gonna happen if is she gonna be okay I love it so it’s just honestly it’s a complete roller coaster of emotions um but I do think a big piece of coming out of it on top as a couple is being respectful of how each person processes things and communicating um because you know going through the process when we were kind of in a rough patch of you know the excitement taking out of it I’m injecting myself with needles we’re timing intercourse it’s not sexy it’s not fun it’s so mechanical it’s so scientific and um it breaks so many couples and when we were going through this and going through a rough time in our relationship of course an article pops up of fertility issues caused my husband and I to get divorced oh my well this is interesting and you know the thought goes through your mind of what if we don’t get through this together you know and so many couples don’t and it’s extremely sad yeah so you’re pregnant now and this is huge because you’re going to give birth at the end of this year right yes yeah so um talk to me about this this final process because now this has become from it’s gone from a nightmare to yes a success story like the beast has now turned into a prince and yep yeah so uh tell me about this last pregnancy in this last time this last try and what you felt like you did or how the process really worked or if you know anything through it that kind of was positive along the way things that you caught on to did you feel like you know was it just a fluke or like you know you don’t know you know talk talk me through your last process yeah so we did throughout like December and January and then we got the results back and the doctor was very quick to say IVF and that hit us really hard and essentially we took time to process it and we realized that we didn’t want to go that route yet because with IVF there’s still the risk of miscarriage and we wanted to like we knew that we could get pregnant and it was the miscarrying that was the issue and of course IVF has a huge price tag attached to it and we needed to kind of save up again for it and so we got the test results in January and we said okay is there any steps we can do before IVF and she said well you can she said it so flippantly she’s like well you can try a couple iuis like okay what’s an iuI and that’s it that’s the intrauterine insemination so we decided to do that in February and march we dan and I did not he was like I’ll support you but I don’t think that this is necessary but I just want to be in more of a controlled setting where I was being monitored really closely so we did two of those and those didn’t work which was shocking because again it’s like okay well now I’m medicated now I’m controlled it’s literally happening in a room with me and a doctor and it’s not working and it was the mo it was so weird and then after two of those because they’re about three three to four thousand dollars a try dan said honestly I would rather just take a step back see what happens over the summer and in the new year if we are not pregnant or we’ve had another loss or whatever then we can do I IVF and then we got pregnant in April so on our own so we yeah so we didn’t need to do the iuis I guess after all but given the situation given how I was feeling it was the right thing to do and then I was monitored at the clinic very closely through 12 up to 12 weeks and then it went well and we had made tweets so I was on progesterone um I was doing what’s called intralipid infusions which basically is an iv that helps calm your immune system you know doing we have I had had an infection that I didn’t know about so we made sure that the infection was cleared and everything so I was just really closely monitored through till 12 weeks and then I graduated was what they call it graduated from the clinic at 13 weeks and now we’re 26 weeks along but I think the one thing is is for dan and I because we had already gone through so many losses getting through this is still really hard you know like we know what it’s like to lose a baby and I was saying this to my therapist too like the joy of pregnancy has kind of been taken away from us especially that first trimester I basically said to dan I was like you just need to let me do what I want to do if I want to sit on the couch if I want to go you know up to the cottage if I don’t want to talk to you like you’re literally just going to have to put up with me to get through the first 12 weeks and he did he respected that but again I need to communicate that that’s what I needed at that time was to just do what I needed to do to get through those first 12 weeks and he respected it and he was really sensitive and yes he was probably frustrated with me but it worked and I was somewhat able to stay insane through those first 12 weeks but that’s the really hard part you know it doesn’t for couples it doesn’t end with a successful pregnancy because you have so much history behind you that you kind of as my therapist said you need to fake it till you make it with the excitement because you know it’s it’s going well and you just have to try to enjoy it as much as you can so that’s something that we’re both trying to just hold on to you know we’re 26 weeks along now and knock on wood everything seems to be going well but I still don’t think either of us will feel okay until she’s here so it’s a girl yes she’s a girl yeah which is awesome so you’re 26 weeks along and that’s quite a long time I I mean have you are you comfortable you know having a shower are you comfortable celebrating now this pregnancy like you know kind of obviously you’re on edge obviously because of everything that happened to you um you know you want to be able to make sure that this pregnancy throughout the whole process nothing happens are you comfortable setting up her room and all of that what kind of emotions does that kind of bring forth yeah it’s honestly really hard um I’ve come around to it now but I remember when we got to about 14 or 15 weeks and my sister was like okay let’s start like let’s set a date for the shower and everything and I remember just like the panic set in of oh my gosh what if we plan this and we send out the invites and then we have to cancel it and then you know I’m gonna have to explain everything and it’s just gonna it’s gonna be almost more hurt because there was more excitement around it so it’s been hard but I have worked with my therapist and she said you know you literally have to fake it till you make it like you know talk about being excited about the pregnancy go out and buy a couple things and but those are all things that literally took so much effort um and now it’s getting a bit easier and I have my shower I guess next weekend and um you know it’s it’s exciting and everything but it’s also just yeah we’re just kind of holding our breath but we are just trying to push ourselves to be excited for it and we’re so excited to to be pregnant and everything it’s just like the build up right so yes well I’m super excited for you because you know you’ve talked talked about this before and you know um we actually had a conversation about this before you got pregnant and then um and then I guess like when did you decide to tell everybody that you were pregnant when did you officially announce this um honestly I because we had decided to be very open about it with our journey we told people pretty early on so I didn’t announce it on social media or anything but our inner circle because they knew that we were going through iuis and everything they were always checking in which is nice and we have been open about everything before so we we basically told everybody once we had gotten some good we had gotten the good blood work so basically you want your pregnancy hormone to double every 48 hours so it was doing that and we got um a six week ultrasound and the heartbeat was there so that was exciting to them we we started telling our kind of our close circle at that point what and then we announced it I think after we had graduated from the fertility clinic yeah okay okay um what are three tips or you know just a couple of takeaways that you would like to say to someone who is in the thick of it um you know if they’re trying and they’re all the stuff what would you say to to them the first thing would be to feel what you need to feel there are so many emotions that come along with this and they’re all very valid you know there’s going to be heartbreak there’s going to be sadness there’s going to be excitement there’s going to be hope and all of those things are so valid so my first thing would be feel what you need to feel um second would be surround yourself with a really good support team so whoever that is it could be somebody that you work with it could be somebody you’ve connected with through the journey it could be your partner your friend whatever but have a good support team surrounding you and go with your gut like if you feel like you want somebody to dig deeper into it or you feel like there’s an issue or you you know you feel like you need to advocate for yourself more go with your gut yeah do you kind of feel like if you had gotten therapy earlier it would have been more helpful to you throughout the process you feel like if you’re going through this you should start off with therapy right off the bat yeah I I would say therapy I’m a huge advocate for therapy in general I would say making the time for it is hugely helpful um I wish we had done that earlier on because like I said when I sought it out I didn’t even know where to start like that first therapy session I was just like here’s the past year of my life and I feel like maybe if I process things as we were going through them more versus just okay lost sweep it under the rug move on lost keep it under the rug move on then I would have maybe been able to handle all the emotions and the ups and downs that come a bit better well thank you so much for sharing your story your story is so incredible and you know it’s really brave for you to be able to share this and I think that more women need to be talking about this because this happens so much and no one really talks about it and they always say that it’s hard but no one really knows what that means right so no one really knows the consequences of um of you know essentially what people have to go through when they’re making these decisions right and uh and it’s it’s important to educate people who are ignorant that have to support people going through this because having a good support system is so integral to your success too you know you’re not 100 yeah well so thank you so much for being on the show and talking about this and sharing your story and uh if any of you would like to learn more about fertility check out the link below you