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Erin – We are taught from a very young age through like the disney movies that you you know your prince charming is gonna like come and save you on this white you know stallion and they’re just gonna come riding in and pick you up and all of your troubles are gonna go away like you think that having a family is gonna your troubles are gonna go away but really you have to go deep inside and nurture and go through that inner adventure to get to the other side so that you have this incredible self-love. You are proud of your life, you are taking risks going on adventures and that is where I come in as the guide. I want to be able to guide people through that journey.

[Music]

Nicky – What’s up CorrNation? Welcome to another episode of Coin for Thought. Today I’m here with Erin Poredos and she is the CEO of the Joy Tribe. She’s a divorce coach and she’s absolutely amazing at what she does and I’m so excited to have you on the show today. So thank you so much for being here

Erin – Oh thank you so much I’m very excited to be sharing this experience with you.

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – And sharing it with everyone else.

Nicky – Yeah so you started this business really when after you got divorced really.

Erin – Yes

Nicky –  Yeah and so how did it all come to be tell me a little bit about how you grew up and what your mentality was. Uh what your mindset was about marriage.

Erin – So growing up I grew up on disney movies. I grew up on you know finding that prince charming who was gonna save me and like take care of all my problems.

Nicky –  You’re a hopeless romantic

Erin – I was a hopeless romantic yeah you know I had my parents to look up to who have been married for over 45 years and just this like high standard that I set for myself in terms of marriage and you know even wanting that big beautiful wedding.

Nicky – That’s so rare now to find somebody that’s been married for so long to be honest

Erin – Yeah and it’s it’s quite incredible like they are still very like cute together also so so but living up to that and then also now being divorced myself it it’s it’s hard to you know look at their love and be like how did you do it.

 

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – But looking back and going through you know my divorce and wanting this idea of marriage and this idea of the perfect relationship. I wanted you know the prince charming I wanted the 2.5 kids and I wanted the white picket fence and all like the house and all of that stuff.

Nicky – Right

Erin – But in actual reality I was just I had a checklist of things that I wanted 

Nicky – Right

Erin – And you know going into this relationship I you know found this partner who checked everything on my list they were successful they were good looking they you know came from a good family but we didn’t have that emotional chemistry or 

Nicky – That connection

Erin – That connection yeah that I think a lot of couples you know are lacking and I was one of them and I 

Nicky – You didn’t have those foundational or those those values I guess

Erin – Yeah because I was just so stuck in this idea that I needed a relationship to feel whole. I needed a relationship to feel successful and I mean I had a lot of self-confidence issues when I was younger. I had a lot of self-worth issues that you know came from you know just in comparison with my siblings. Like all of that lovely stuff that those stories that you put in your brain 

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – That are only created by you and it’s not necessarily you know the the true the truth

Nicky – Yeah yeah it’s incredible sometimes like the crap that we tell ourselves about ourselves 

Erin – Yeah and the thing is is that it doesn’t have to be this massive traumatic experience

Nicky – Right 

Erin – It can be one little thing that happens in your life that completely changes your mindset and how you think about yourself

Nicky – Right

Erin – Especially you know obviously this happening when you’re younger and this is when you’re developing and you’re you know developing these beliefs about yourself. So anyways going into a relationship with a lack of self-worth and self-confidence but yet also wanting all these big ideals 

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – Is pretty much a relationship disaster at least for my from my experience because really what I was looking for was this fantasy it wasn’t an actual you know solidified relationship that I you know truly should have.

Nicky –  Yeah

Erin – And so going through that relationship those eight years that I was with with um my partner was really a lot of anxiety it was a lot of you know not being treated correctly and then me you know making excuses for the situation or the way they were acting or even myself in justifying and 

Nicky – What were some of the challenge the challenges that you had during that time during those eight years?

Erin – It was a lot of um you know trying to grasp at breadcrumbs it was grasping at this reassurance from this other person when in actual reality I didn’t have a foundation in myself.

Nicky – Right

Erin – To I didn’t have that self-love filled for myself because I was constantly grasping at things from my partner

Nicky – So say give me an example of that what does that look like?

Erin – So and it goes both ways where you know he was working a lot he wasn’t really investing in the relationship and I felt like I was doing all of the work

Nicky – Right 

Erin – Um and and on top of that because I I didn’t have the self-confidence or the self-worth I was on top of that needing his reassurance because he surely wasn’t showing me but having said all of that in my heart of hearts I knew that I should leave. Probably at year five and I continually pushed down those thoughts and you know thought it was my anxiety, thought you know you know it was all of these other things other than my body screaming at myself saying you need to leave this. Like this is not a good situation for you.

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – And so yet all of those things were happening I still agreed to marry this man I like you know on the day that he proposed to me I felt anxiety. I was my body was like this ain’t right and so yet I still went through and I went through the marriage and on the wedding day it was an absolute hurricane it was like the heavens above “We were like we were telling you you’re not listening.”

Nicky – So it was a real her you really had a hurricane on your wedding 

Erin – Well it wasn’t necessarily a real like it was like

Nicky – It was a thunderstorm

Erin – It was a thunderstorm from hell. It was like the winds were blowing it was like terrible weather and literally on like the way to the the altar. Down the aisle I literally was looking for garbage pails to puke in and I was looking for exits and I was like this is not right in my mind. Yet said my vows and got married

Nicky – How did you make that walk because I think there’s a lot of pressure when women are in that situation right and everybody’s there your family’s there, your friends are there, your partner’s there waiting for you at the altar, your bridesmaids are there they’re in these outfits that you put them in, and you know everything’s been ordered, everything’s been paid for, how do you at that point turn around and say no there’s so much social pressure to be able to just walk down that aisle because in that moment you don’t really have time to think?

Erin – Yeah 

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – It would and I think that’s the whole thing about weddings and that there is so much social pressure there is so much that everyone kind of has this idea I mean most women have this idea of having this big beautiful wedding and when you put all this work into it and you have all your family behind you and you have all of these like things that you’ve paid for it’s like okay well now we’ve got to do it right. So I mean but for me going going down the aisle it was kind of a realization for myself that it was like okay like this is this is really not right but again like I was denying myself these feelings for a long time and even after that I continued to feel this anxious pain and my partner and I you know ended up doing a house renovation and our relationship was just getting worse and worse and worse

Nicky – And a really public house renovation right

Erin – Yes

Nicky – You were on the property brothers

Erin – Yes 

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – We were in that was my doing and I think that was really the nail in the coffin because he was not really adamant on on doing it and it just kind of went downhill from there

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – Um and in the end like it was it ended because of you know a situation that happened that was against um you know my moral aspects to stay in a relationship. So I and I don’t really want to get into that because that’s not really the point of when I’m here but it really took that to wake me up and be like “Oh my god Erin why are you why are you suffering through this? Why are you like why did it take this for you to you know be okay with leaving? And like be okay for it could be because it was a mutual separation but I had to have this situation happen in order for me to wake up.

Nicky – A lot of times it isn’t about the last fight it isn’t about that it is about that systematic break year over year or month over month or whatever that is and sometimes people go you know when when a marriage breaks you know they go what happened in terms of like what was the one incident that caused this to break but a lot of times it’s been broken for a really long time and in different ways that were ignored over time

Erin – yeah

Nicky – So you know it isn’t really about that one incident or whatever that one incident is and um it really is about how you kind of how it kind of progressed over time right and so tell me about that your dad and and the relationship with your dad

Erin – Yeah so and this is actually like the first podcast that I’m really gonna talk about you know my relationship with my dad because it is a loving one but in my mind like I felt that you know my other my other sister was you know getting more attention because she was in all the sports and she was doing all the things and like I was the art kid and like I didn’t have any art shows to go to so I internalized all of these things and I was not the best at math and like my dad would come over come home after a hard day and have to do math problems with this with his child who hated math and he would just be tired so it was just almost like these little situations were you know making me feel like I wasn’t good enough. Not that he was you know making me feel that way but I just interpreted

Nicky – Right

Erin – It that way

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – And you know my dad worked a lot so I didn’t have the closest relationship um with him but the most beautiful thing about this whole process is that my relationship with my dad has actually really blossomed and I feel extremely grateful to have him in my life because you know I mean with men it’s always very hard to show any emotion and my dad has you know he’s had his own hardships in his families and he doesn’t like to show a lot of emotion and I’m a very you know

Nicky – Emotional person

Erin – Vulnerable person and this would probably give him a heart attack if he would sit here and say the things that I’m saying but anyways but just to be able to have him stand by my side you know during the divorce process and have him support me and just even on the wedding day I don’t know like I had all of these thoughts about my wedding but one of the most special things in the special most special memories was having that dance with my dad and that’s the one thing that I look back and I’m like I’m never gonna have I’m not gonna have that first first dance with him again. You know what I mean. It’s amazing how these life experiences can really change your life for the better and you know make you see things differently and make you see perspectives differently and looking at you know looking at my parents and how they you know did the best they could with what they had which is what any parent would do

Nicky – Right

Erin – And you know it’s just it’s amazing how my relationships after the you know the difficult time I went through have really flourished I 

Nicky – So how did your family feel about your your divorce and you know about about now your ex? Do they do they talk to him? Do they have a relationship with them? Did they even like him when you decided to to get together?

Erin – So it’s it’s pretty funny because you know what he had he had a great relationship with my dad and my family so when it did happen the way it did um my family was pretty shocked. Um so basically what happened is is that we obviously got married we you know were did a very public renovation show 

Nicky – Right

Erin – And that was kind of a nail in the coffin and then things just kind of rolled down the hill quite quickly and um my ex ended up going away and uh

Nicky – Like on business

Erin – No pleasure

Nicky – Okay

Erin – With a group of friends and um there was a break of trust. There was some um infidelity there and I want to say like that it it happened and it it’s not really the point of the story but it is the point of the story because it literally I was so attached to this idea of being with him that it took something to like that to break my bond and my trust with him.

Nicky – Well it took I think I think a lot of times what cheating really does it it’s because if someone’s cheating on you they don’t

Erin – Thanks for using the word because I it was like I couldn’t get it out but you yes

Nicky – If someone’s cheating on you they don’t respect you right they they don’t trust you uh they don’t connect with you

Erin – Right

Nicky – And you know so they’re going off and finding whatever they’re finding with somebody else. They’re finding they’re trying to find that connection or connect with somebody else because they’re missing that connection in their relationship.

Erin – 100 trillion percent

Nicky – Yeah and oftentimes it’s the act of cheating that makes the other person realize how broken the relationship is foundationally.

Erin – Yes

Nicky – And it’s an indicator of that versus anything else like it’s not really about the cheating 

Erin – Yeah

Nicky – Cheating is is the very last thing it’s the very last piece and I just feel I always say you know your relationship was broken a lot a lot a long time ago

Erin – Yeah

Nicky – You know before that incident even really happened so yeah

Erin – And and that’s why I say like it was really a small part that happened but also a big part and I’m thankful for it

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – Because that was my awakening and it was almost like when that happened my body almost had a release

Nicky – But it’s hard to say it’s hard to say the word

Erin – Yeah

Nicky – It’s hard to say, it’s hard to admit especially so publicly. Right because it makes you feel so raw and so vulnerable and so, it almost feels like being able to own what happened to you is taking away some of your power almost. You feel powerless and helpless.

Erin – Yeah

Nicky – Which is exactly the opposite of of what that actually is.

Erin – Yes

Nicky – But it’s that it’s that feeling

Erin – It is, it is, but I mean this is why you know why I do what I do because we all go through these challenges to learn something.

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – There’s always a lesson in it that’s that’s you know the biggest thing that I can say for my experience through divorce is that it really challenged me as a person. It challenged me as a woman but in the end it has built me into who I am today and I feel really thankful for that.

Nicky – Can I ask you a weird question? Obviously you know you guys you guys broke up afterwards but for you personally could you have come back from that? Could you have forgotten that? Could you have said “Okay you cheated uh let’s really start from scratch.” Could you have done that with him?

Erin – No because I think the second that he did that it was like you said where it was like this realization that in the back of my mind that it was like whispering “Erin, you’re free.” Like like this 

Nicky – That was really the permission slip

Erin – It was really the permission slip like it was

Nicky – That was your hall pass

Erin – Like it’s crazy the way the mind works and the body works and like honestly the universe is a is an incredible thing and you know yeah it’s it’s it’s incredible the things you learn about yourself when you go through those sort of processes.

Nicky – Yeah, I feel like sometimes you have that one relationship in your life that keeps other relationships from prospering or blossoming in the way that they should and then oftentimes when you take that relationship out it’s kind of like removing a cancer

Erin – Yeah

Nicky – So you everything starts to really flourish and you start to really flourish too and you blossom in ways that you never thought that you could because now that that toxic aspect of your life has been removed.

Erin – Yes

Nicky – So I think I think that’s amazing and that’s beautiful and it just kind of goes to show that you know just because one relationship is dying it doesn’t mean that other relationships can’t blossom or thrive right and there’s a stigma where you feel a lot of times people feel like their family will not be supportive but sometimes people may really turn around and surprise you in the way that they support you you know so I think that that’s beautiful. So you took your experience from that and then you created the Joy Tribe. How did you name it? How did you come up with it? How did you really start it and get it kind of going?

Erin – Well it kind of happened by surprise I actually the first time I ever had the idea I woke up at 3 a.m and had this idea of bringing people together and sharing stories and um the Joy Tribe kind of just came out of nowhere and I started writing all these notes but it the Joy Tribe actually started out as groups for mental mental health. So basically people would come together and share their stories and these would just be you know not high-level speakers it’s like regular people being vulnerable showing up and sharing their stories

Nicky – And there’s something so cathartic to be able to share your story right. In your own way with your own words and just using your language uninterrupted and I think that’s that’s really beautiful.

Erin – Yeah so I’ve always had this passion for helping people and um the so I I actually quit my job after uh three years and decided to you know bet on myself and the really beautiful thing about quitting that job is that I really was choosing myself because I had been so afraid of like breaking the rules, like doing something that was going to disappoint people. I was always like a doormat at all my jobs. Like I just really let people walk all over me my entire life including my relationships and like because I just didn’t feel I had any real value to bring to the table and I I didn’t see it but going through I I went through a bunch of jobs and they never really gave me like this feeling that I was doing something that I should be doing and I was just going through the motions and um and then I had my divorce happen. I had that dream and then it just like things just started to you know pop up and things just you know I would continue to have these little these dreams where i’d have a little bit more of the idea, a little bit more of the idea and then quitting the my job to start doing those events and then it just sort of blossomed because I started to reflect on my own life and you know seeing how I had developed with that lack of self-confidence, that lack of self-love and going through the motions trying to fit myself in this box to be perfect in a perfect relationship, you know be perfect in front of my parents and never disappoint it’s exhausting.

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – And I was just like I don’t want to live like that anymore and I don’t want anyone else to live like that anymore. So after my divorce I it was I think it was the halloween after my divorce and I got inspired to dress up like tomb raider and I am a big fan of the video games uh especially tomb raider and I put this costume on and I have never felt so goddamn fierce in my life and I felt sexy I feel confident. I’m like I wish that I could feel this all the time and then I was like why can’t I feel like this all the time?

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – And so that’s really where this idea of the Joy Tribe co has come to fruition because it marries the idea of marry no pun intended the idea of you know giving women and men to be quite honest confidence in their lives. To not go like and living through the emotions and you know living a life that doesn’t you know inspire them and being in relationships that are you know really just sucking their soul and they’re just they’re just being.

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – And you know helping people through that process whether it’s going through through a divorce or thinking of getting uh through or going through a divorce and just having the confidence to live life authentically

Nicky – Yeah and take that take them out of the space where they’re just existing to a space where now they’re thriving, right.

Erin – Yeah and it’s this whole idea of becoming the hero or the heroine of your own epic love story

Nicky – Right

Erin – Instead of being the damsel in distress because I feel like a lot like especially for women we are taught from a very young age through like the disney movies that you know your prince charming is gonna like come and save you on this white you know stallion and they’re just gonna come riding in and pick you up and all of your troubles are gonna go away. Like you think that having a family is gonna your troubles are gonna weigh but really you have to go deep inside and nurture and go through that inner adventure to get to the other side. So that you have this incredible self-love. You are proud of your life. You are taking risks going on adventures and that is where I come in as the guide. I want to be able to guide people through that journey.

Nicky – Right. That’s beautiful that’s that’s amazing. I feel like a lot of people now who are in a situation where they are divorced, they come out of that divorce space with feeling so incredibly yucky yeah and feeling just so not confident and very much like they failed. You know and and very much like they’ve lost time right however long their time was whether it was like I don’t know a couple years or a few months to you know decades right.

Erin – yeah

Nicky – And how do you feel about about people getting back on the horse and dating again and what do what do you have to say to people that that need to do that because you went through that single period right. Where you were dating and now you’re dating somebody that you love but what was that really like for you and what do you have to say to people who are kind of going through that?

Erin – Well I have to say that I felt all of those things. I felt the shame. I felt worthless. I felt like a complete failure because as a woman you know coming from a family whose parents have been together for a long time and just around you know successful relationships and here comes Erin oh she’s the single girl at 30 whatever and like it’s it’s it sucks at that point because you’re just like oh great another you know christmas dinner and I’m the single one at the kids table pass the potatoes but it’s like it’s you have to go through that. You have to you know feel those feelings of pain feel those feelings of shame but know there is the other side know that and just give yourself compassion.

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – Because if you try to push down these feelings they’re just gonna keep coming up and you know really ruining your life

Nicky – Right

Erin – So being able to be compassionate with yourself is one of the big things that I think is important when you’re going through that process and it really is about taking care of yourself first and it’s this idea of and I’m sure you’ve heard it when you’re on the plane put the you know oxygen mask on yourself you know before you can take care of another person.

Nicky – Right

Erin – And not necessarily take but be in a really relationship with another person.

Nicky – Right

Erin – Because you have to build this foundation in yourself before you can have any sort of joint foundation with another person. So one of the other things that I would suggest doing, is start dating yourself like really just creating self-love dates. So I would you know create days where I would just paint because I really love painting. So spending the day painting where it allows me to like get my emotion out on canvas and like explore with color. Going for walks and going to read the read a book by the lake was one of my favorite things to do in the summer.

Nicky – Just taking personal time

Erin – Right yeah and not giving like not caring about what other people think and I know that’s super hard because I’m still trying to you know get through that but like not caring how other people see you it’s more about how you want to see yourself right so it’s really honing in on you know who’s the woman or the man that I want to be and start being that person and really you know instilling that confidence in in yourself.

Nicky – What do you think about you know that space where you’re trying to fall in love again right and you’re trying to eliminate that that past that that junky kind of feeling?

Erin – yeah

Nicky – That you know that is kind of bad and good because you had that relationship with somebody you did love them for maybe a really really long time and you’re trying now to be able to create that space where you’re loving somebody emotionally but also physically too like you may be intimate with that person. What is that what is that really like you know?

Erin – It’s hard it is hard to come back and I think it’s a it’s a matter of trusting myself because I had stayed in a space so long where I didn’t trust myself and I you know was in a relationship for way too long.

Nicky – Right

Erin – And you know now going into other relationships um you know having this fear of first of all like someone leaving or you know let’s say I lose interest or like really just failure in general.

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – And the thing that I would suggest is because it’s I I’m still working on this myself but I have come a long way where you know I would have so much anxiety going through relationships and like constantly wondering when the shoe was going to fall and I think anyone can have that but really it is it’s about grounding yourself and taking the initiative to do that with yourself first and so let’s say you’re going on a date you set an intention for the date. Before you even go on the date and be like you know what I’m gonna enjoy this date. I’m not gonna think about anything. I’m not gonna worry about anything. I’m just gonna go enjoy and then after the date you you know check in with yourself how are you feeling what are some of the thoughts you had on the date and you know keep going on these dates and checking in and on how you feel and then start exploring that.

Nicky – So you’re just kind of listening yourself and being really intuitive

Erin – Yes

Nicky – And really observant with who you are and if whatever you’re doing is really aligning

Erin – Yes

Nicky – With with who you are. Right? Is that it?

Erin – That is true and 

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – It’s really about being present 

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – Because if you are worried about you know when is the next shoe gonna drop when is this relationship gonna fail. It’s only just gonna put negative vibes into your relationship and it’s not gonna enhance it it’s gonna just make it worse and make it worse for you so it’s really just letting go and at some point you’re gonna have to say Jesus or whoever universe take the wheel

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – Because you can’t control everything right happens in life you have difficult things but here’s the thing is that I feel grateful for what I’ve been through because I’m here sitting here today and I feel more confident than I ever have and I now go into relationships more aware More you know in tune with okay does is this a situation that I want to be in is this a behavior that I want to you know being more mindful and questioning things because a lot of the time we go through relationships and we don’t question anything

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – We’re just like yeah okay that happened well we’ll just we’ll keep it going because we’re supposed to be together you know that’s just love.

Nicky – Do you think a lot of women when they’re going through really hard time do you think that they kind of play the victim and don’t allow themselves to really progress and to move on do you find that in your experience?

Erin – Um yeah I think it’s it’s where you just feel so helpless and you feel like you need to keep this going because this is who you are, this is your relationship and you have a responsibility but really your responsibility is to yourself.

Nicky – Right

Erin – So to be able to you know and if you’re in a relationship be able to recognize okay like is this going against who I am and is am I having feelings that this is going against like you know the relationship that I want to have or the life that I want to have.

Nicky – Right

Erin – Because you should not be going through a relationship walking on eggshells you know feeling like something is off pretty much 24/7. You it should be obviously relationships take work but it should not be a struggle street every day.

Nicky – Right, so how what’s your process like on you know when you meet somebody and how do you how do you really help them evolve and become who they who they need to be?

Erin – So the first and biggest thing is mindset honestly that takes the longest to get through 

Nicky – Yeah

Erin – And so really we concentrate a lot on that for the first half of the sessions and then you really take into account like what is helping feed that mindfulness. So being able to exercise, what gives you joy because a lot of people who come through forgotten what joy is because they’re so worried about you know taking care of the kids, taking care of their relationship, doing things for everyone else but themselves so they forget who they are because they don’t even know what they like anymore and it’s like you walk out and that was one of the things with my relationship I walked out because I had been caring for so many other people other than myself it was like who the hell am I. I don’t even know who I am anymore and that’s the biggest step and that’s why I talk so much about the inner adventure part because you have to dig deep. You have to go into those depths and really figure out who you are again and rediscover that and I tie this back into the you know the how I started the Joy Tribe and Tomb Raider because life is like a video game and it is really just about going through those levels and gaining the experiences and the trinkets and the gifts and the strengths and all of this stuff so you have everything you need to get to the next level.

Nicky – That’s amazing 

Erin – Yeah

Nicky – That’s amazing

Erin – Yeah

Nicky – Well thank you so much for coming in the show and and being so vulnerable and telling your story and really sharing about your business and how you really support and help people and thank you guys so much for watching on the show. Please don’t forget to like subscribe and hit that notification bell for more videos to come. If you’d like to contact Erin to work with her, check out the links below all of her information is there and thanks again for coming on the show.

Erin – Thank you anytime

Nicky – Yeah well we’ll see you soon bye

Erin – Bye guys